


He never thought

by myhead_myuniverse



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Blow Jobs, Bucky and emotions, Flashbacks, Happy Ending, Hurt Steve Rogers, Inside buckys head, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Stucky - Freeform, The Winter Soldier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 15:06:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7762555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myhead_myuniverse/pseuds/myhead_myuniverse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is starting to remember some things from his life before and he's not sure if he should share them with Steve. But when he lose control and the soldier tell Steve, he knows he has no more choice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He never thought

He never thought someone would come save them, save him. He never thought Colonel Phillips would send soldiers to help them, but when he heard the alarms go off and shots being fired, he got a little bit of hope. Then again, he was locked in some basement where no one would find him.

He wanted to get up, run and fight his way out with the others but he couldn’t. He was strapped to a fucking table and the tests they’d done on him had left the sergeant weak and dizzy. Everything was blurry and he was almost sure he couldn’t walk by himself. The little bit of hope he had left was gone until he heard someone call his name. Then he understood…The Colonel never sent anyone to rescue them, his friend had put his life in danger to save him, alone. But he didn’t have time to ask how did he find him? How did he get here? For now, it didn’t matter, he was only glad to see Steve’s face.

> \- Bucky!  
>  \- Steve, _he managed to answer weakly._  
>  \- Hey, it’s okay, I got you Buck.

He couldn’t see him properly but he knew Steve was smiling. He wished he could’ve help his friend get them all out, himself included, but he couldn’t stay awake any longer, he tried, he really did, but he still passed out in his friend’s arms.

*************

Bucky doesn’t remember much, but that, he does. He does remember the day Steve saved him from Hydra. He does remember a little bit of pre serum Steve and what they were back then. He does remember what he felt for his friend before, and he still feels that way, he thinks.

But his most vivid memory was the first time he and Steve were together after he’d save him.

*************

The army had forbidden anyone to come visit him at the hospital so he didn’t really had the chance to have a proper conversation with Steve. It took 3 days before they allowed him to go home, where he wasn’t even surprised to see the blond waiting for him. What was surprising though, was how much he had changed. The other night he didn’t really had a chance to take a look but now, he needed explanations. He was pretty sure that Steve didn’t looked like this the last time he saw him. He didn’t know what happened to him, if they did tests on him like they did with Buck, if Steve suffered like Bucky did. He didn’t know what the other got through and he wanted to know, he wanted to ask but his words got stuck in his throat when his eyes wander on Steve’s body. He loved the old Steve but surely he wasn’t complaining about the new one.

> \- Hey, _Steve said with a shaky voice_ , so happy you’re okay.  
>  \- Thank you Steve, _Barnes answered with a voice higher than he expected,_ for saving me.  
>  \- I couldn’t let you there…

Bucky was used to hugging and kissing Steve, he was used to his friend being on his tip toe to reach his lips, he was used to lift Steve of the ground when they hugged but he realized he couldn’t do this anymore, so he just buried his face in the crook of Steve’s neck, enjoying the warmth of his body and his strong arms wrapped around him.

At this moment, everything felt right, like the war never happened and they were still lovers, cuddling against each other. Except it wasn’t and Buck wasn’t sure if the blond still wanted to be with him now that he could get anyone. He didn’t want to worry, he wanted to stay there and enjoyed Steve’s muscular chest pressed against his but he couldn’t.

> \- What happened? _James asked regretfully pulling away from the embrace,_ I’m pretty sure you didn’t look like that when I left.

 Steve only laughed, earning a smile from his friend, James never thought he would hear that sound again.

***************

Yeah, he did remember that very clearly but it was what came after Rogers told his story that still woke him up at night. It was like he kept reliving it again and again. The soldier wished so badly it would happen again but he wasn’t sure if Steve trusted him enough for it, hell, he wasn’t even sure he trusted himself enough for it. He wasn’t even convince Steve still _loved_ him that way. Then again, it possibly wasn’t the best idea he’d ever got since he couldn’t remember much and his mind was still clouded with the things Hydra put in it.

So no, he wasn't planning on making a move anytime soon, he didn’t even told his friend he remembered it, he didn’t want to scare him off. But it didn’t stop him from thinking about it every night.

****************

He didn’t remember clearly how it all happened but somehow they found their way to Bucky’s bedroom. Steve was lying on his back still fully clothed while his friend was straddling him. Bucky couldn’t help the smirk on his face when he felt the blond grow hard beneath him.

 _“His muscles weren’t the only things which grew bigger after the serum._ ” Bucky thought.

His hand rested on his cheek as his thumb traced his bottom lips, Steve never knew why Bucky liked to touch his lips but with the time, he got used to it. At one point, he even started to like it, seeing it as an act of love. It also usually meant that Bucky was about to kiss him and that, he loved.

But this time, as his lips brushed against his friend’s, Buck avoided him and pressed them against the Captain’s collarbone, sucking a mark which didn’t last long on his skin.

> \- Fucking tease, _Steve groaned._

His hand slipped under his friend’s shirt feeling every muscle clench under his fingers. Within a few seconds all their clothes were thrown on the floor. He thought he knew Steve’s body after everything they’d done but now he had to start all over again, he wanted, _needed,_ to feel every inch of his skin, with his lips, his tongue and his fingers.

He started with his chest, touching, licking, biting, kissing, his way from Steve’s hip to his shoulder. Earning a few groans from the taller man when he bit down his right shoulder. His body might have changed but the man didn’t, he still reacted and moaned the same way, when Bucky did those things that drove Steve crazy.

He pushed his legs apart (which he gladly open wide for him) positioning himself between. Cap’s cock stood hard in front of his face making it hard for Buck to control himself and not take it down his throat. It had gotten bigger since the serum and Buck wondered how much he could put in his mouth before he choked on it. But instead he kissed and nibbled the inside of Steve’s thigh.

> \- I wonder if the serum made you taste any different? _He smirked_  
>  \- Guess you gotta taste and see… _Rogers panted._

With that he smiled and shoved Steve’s dick down his throat.

> \- Oh fuck Buck! _The blond moaned._

His hands found their way behind Barnes' head fisting his hair making the other groan around the blond's cock.

> \- So good, so fucking good, _he threw his head back with a moan_ , you love it Buck don’t you? Having a cock in your mouth, down your throat, maybe choking on it…

Steve said trusting his hips up making Bucky gag around him, but still the brunette couldn’t help the moan that escaped his lips as his eyes started watering.

> \- So pretty Buck… Love your lips stretched around me… So fucking hot, _he hissed._

The soldier forgot how his friend liked to talk when he sucked him off and, mostly, how much he actually liked it.

> \- ‘m gonna cum, _Steve moaned trusting one more time in the brunet’s mouth._

This time he actually choked on it before moaning around Steve.

> \- Oh fuck, _he cried out cumming down his friend’s throat._

He let go of Barnes’ hair letting him get up. Steve couldn’t keep his eyes of the sergeant’s red lips where cum was still dripping. He certainly didn’t miss the way Bucky’s throat moved when he swallowed his load or how he licked his lips taking all the cum left on his face and that was enough to wake up Steve’s dick again.

> \- Already? _Bucky asked surprised._  
>  \- Hey, I’m a super solider now, _he smiled before attacking James’ already swollen lips._

He really missed them.

********************************

This night was printed inside of Barnes’ mind, this night where he lost his virginity to his best friend (It had always been the other way around before). Maybe that was why he could remember it so clearly, it was the night he let his guards down, when he gave himself completely to the man he loved. It was the first time he trusted someone like this.

Maybe his brain wanted him to remember himself, who he was before and maybe it all started with Steve, who was all his life from what he could see from the little memories he had gotten back. Then again Bucky couldn’t stop being afraid, he still wasn’t able to control himself properly, and he didn’t want to hurt Steve. (Only last week, he attacked Natasha and he doesn’t even remember why, only that Thor and Captain had to hold him down for him to stop fighting.) So he gave up on the idea of getting closer to the man that could possibly help him get back his memories. He needed to find another way, a way that wouldn’t hurt anyone, anyone but him, possibly. Still he should tell Rogers everything he remembered but he couldn’t… Fear maybe? Steve was the first one that made the soldier feel something nice since he was back… Even if he didn’t know what love felt like, he was pretty sure this was close, and he couldn’t bear to think that Steve didn’t love him anymore because of was happened when he was the Winter Soldier, so he forced himself not to think about it and didn’t ask question or talk about what he remembered. Maybe he was afraid to be broken again, because this time he wasn’t sure he could regain control.

***********************************

He was fine, really. He was getting better and better at keeping control every day.  But one day the walls he put between him and the soldier all fell down.

They were fighting against Hydra, again and somehow, the man had found a way to unleash the soldier, turning him against his friends. It was like he was trapped inside his own mind, and someone else was controlling him. Even the words coming out of his mouth weren’t his, they were the soldiers, and he couldn’t break through the walls that were keeping him in.

He was almost happy when Steve and Sam had found a way to stop him and tie him up in the avenger’s tower.

> \- Bucky, _He heard Steve call,_ you have to take control pal, I know you can do it…  
>  \- He can’t, _The soldier answered without any emotions,_ I’m too strong for him.

Captain sighed, rubbing a hand down his face. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know what to say to bring his friend back. Bucky won once, than why couldn’t he take over again? He didn’t have an answer to that, he didn’t have an answer to any of the questions he had and it was driving him crazy. It made him feel useless, like he was pre serum Steve all over again, unable to help Buck.

But the worst was that Rogers couldn’t help but think that maybe Bucky stopped fighting, that was why it was so easy for the soldier to keep him in. But he couldn’t let this thought take over, he needed to help his friends out.

> \- I hear him talk you know, _The soldier smirk_ , well, more scream…He’s pounding against the walls but he can’t put them down… Not this time…He won’t break me again.  
>  \- I know he will, he’s stronger than you…

Steve wanted so badly to believe in that but his voice wasn’t convincing. The soldier laughed, still looking at the blond.

> \- He remembers you know…

Captain’s breath got stuck in his throat. What could Bucky possibly remember that he hadn’t told him?

> \- What you both were, before you let him fall from the train… lovers.

Bucky hated to see this expression on his friend’s face, the one he did when he was hurt. He knew Steve never let him fall from the train, even if Rogers thought the other way. He wanted the soldier to stop, stop talking, stop hurting Steve with things that weren’t true.

> \- He never had the courage to tell you he remembered and how disgust he was that he almost let me out…  
>  \- No, _Steve choked_ , you’re lying…  
>  \- No, _the soldier answered with a smirk,_ you never wonder why he flinch every time you touch him? Why he never stay close to you anymore? Why he always locks himself in his room?

“No! Stop!” Bucky screamed pounding against the walls. He looked at Steve, pain and sadness written all over his face.

> \- He doesn’t love you anymore Steve! He’s afraid you’ll try something on him and he won’t be able to push you. He’s disgust by everything you did to him! He doesn’t love you anymore Captain… _The soldier laughed._

“No! Shut up! Stop!” All the angst he felt right now should’ve made him stronger, help him brake the walls but Steve’s eyes made him weak. He was broken, the soldier broke him, he broke Captain America with his only weakness, Bucky. “Steve!” he yelled even if he knew the man couldn’t hear him. He never thought he’d ever see Steve cry, but now he could see the tears in his eyes. He knew Steve wouldn’t let them fall but Bucky saw them, he saw how messed up Steve was and it was all because of him.

He wanted to fight, fight his way out of this cage and tell Steve it wasn’t true, that he still loved him, he really wanted to but as Captain’s shield hit his head, he lost consciousness.

*******************************

He didn’t know how long he was out but when he woke up he felt free. He was dizzy and his legs were weak. He tried to find a grip on the walls only to see this one fall at his feet. Than he understood, the soldier was still unconscious leaving him free of his cage, free to take back control of his body, of his mind.

> \- Steve, _he whispered panting…_

He got up on his knees, hands and legs still trembling as he managed to lock the soldier far far away.

> \- Steve, _he moaned again hearing footsteps behind the door._  
>  \- Buck? _He heard over the creaking of the door being unlocked._ Are you..?

He trailed unable to finish his questions “yourself” Bucky thought.

> \- Yeah… _he breathed out._ Yeah…

He saw happiness all over Steve’s face, that was the expression he liked to see on his friend. But then he remembered, he remembered what the soldier said, how he broke his friend. Bucky wanted to tell Steve, to hold him and whisper in his ear how much he loved him and how much the soldier was wrong, but the pounding in his head kept him from standing up and made him collapse instead.

> \- Sorry, _he whispered before blacking out again._

*********************************

3 weeks, it’d been 3 weeks since Bucky last lost control. Since then, the soldier had stop fighting and he didn’t really know why. Maybe he was tired and understood he wouldn’t win or he was more than happy with the mess he made in Bucky and Steve’s head.

Things had gotten worst since he was back in the Avenger’s tower. Not only in his head but with Steve too. They still lived together and do everything together only, a little more far away from each other than they used to. They don’t hug anymore, they don’t sit next to each other, Steve even stopped touching him… He stopped putting a hand on his shoulder to congratulate him after a fight and on his arms when he was laughing or on his thigh when he wanted his friend’s attention. He stopped everything. And the worst was that he still looked happy.

Well, that’s what he would think if he didn’t know Steve better. He would probably think the blond didn’t care but then sometimes he would catch a glimpse of sadness in Steve’s eyes. When he stopped his hand from landing on the brunet’s thigh and let it fall on his own or when he came back from a run with Sam where he knew Steve had vent to his friend.

Although, old Bucky knew what it meant. New Bucky couldn’t help but wonder if Steve only found the situation awkward because now, he knew Barnes remembered. New Bucky still had difficulty with emotions.He learned to tell the difference between them on his friend’s face. He knew hurt, pain, sadness because he felt them _a lot._ He felt happiness, sometimes, when some of his old memories resurface, when Steve tells him something he’s excited about (he love to see the happiness in Steve’s face, it’s contagious) or sometimes, not often, when Tony or Clint makes a joke he understands, then he crack a smile. He chuckled, once, when Steve told a story about them before war, everyone stopped eating and looked at him shocked until Tony made another comment. Other than that, Buck didn’t really have experience with emotions but sometimes he liked to think he was getting better at it. Steve always told him he was making progress, but he wasn't sure he could handle love right now.

So he waited, and he kept waiting until he couldn’t stand Steve’s pain anymore. He remembered more now, he learned more since the last time. He’s never been good with words, he was better back then but now he really didn’t know how to use them, that’s why he never talks much. He didn’t know what he was going to say to his friend but he was going to managed, he couldn’t live like that anymore, _he was going to managed…_

> \- Steve? _He called knocking at the other’s door._  
>  \- Yes Buck, come in…

For a few seconds he hesitated, wondering if it was the right thing to do. Anyway it was too late, he was already in Rogers’ room.

> \- What’s up Buck? _He smiled at his friend sitting against the headboard._  
>  \- We… need to talk, _he said nervously sitting at the end of the bed._  
>  \- What’s going on? _Steve asked with a worried tone._

“Breathe, breathe, breathe” It was stupid how the big bad assassin was afraid to tell some words to his friend but Steve was the best thing that ever happened to Buck since forever and… and he was stupid.

> \- The soldier…I…I still hear him screaming at me… Screaming awful things… He keeps playing with my mind and I. Can’t. Make. Him. Shut. Up.  
>  \- Buck…  
>  \- But that’s not the worst… _He said standing up._ I…I can deal with him on my own, I’m used to it and I’m doing better… I really am, but I let him slipped, once, and now he’s playing with your mind too…

Bucky could feel Steve’s confused eyes on him as he was looking at the floor.

> \- I remember Steve… What happened before…  
>  \- Listen Bucky… I get it… Old time, old you…  
>  \- No, you don’t

The silence it left was awkward. Steve’s breath got stuck in his throat, he didn’t want to talk about it. He really didn’t and he really didn’t want to hear Bucky tell him how disgusting he thought he was for the second time.

> \- I never had a memory coming back to me so clearly then when I saw, well dream, of this one… Hell, I even came in my pants that night! And…and, _he stutter_ , I was going to tell you, I really was but I didn’t know how…I thought that maybe you didn’t want me like you did back then. I mean, I’ve changed and so have you. I’m messed up and I could slip and kill you at any time.

For the first time since Bucky started talking, their eyes met. Steve sat next to his friend when this one settle himself on the bed.

> \- You won’t hurt me, I know you won’t… you’ll get better…  
>  \- I’m trying Steve

Bucky’s eyes were so sad when they stopped on the captain, that his heart broke, but he didn’t dare talk, letting Barnes finish his story.

> \- When I lost control, I was still there, trapped inside my own mind but I was still conscious, I heard everything… When I woke up, I wanted to fix things, tell you he was lying but I didn’t know how…I’m still bad with words and emotions... Mostly those.

He didn’t know what to say next so he just started stuttering, trying to get the words out until Steve kissed him to shut him up. It’d been a long time since he’d kiss someone, a secret base of Hydra wasn’t really the best place the find people.

The kiss became rougher when he felt Steve’s tongue push inside his mouth and he couldn’t help but moan.

> \- I love you, _the captain said panting._

Bucky only nodded and kissed him again. Steve knew his friend wasn’t ready to say it, he was still trying to find himself and put order in his head and Steve was okay with it, and he would be with him ‘til the end of the line.

That night they fell asleep in each other’s arms, Steve’s head on Bucky’s chest and suddenly he was back in Brooklyn long before the war began, alone with his best friends with nothing else to worry about…  He never thought their story would end like this… He never thought they would have their happy ending…

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Sorry for the mistakes english is not my first language. 
> 
> Love you,  
> Lauren


End file.
